The ACME Evil Villain Moves In

[Guest]

It was a dark and stormy night.
Actually it was a mild, cool spring night but they were in the deep dark woods.
A long fingered bony hand reached out, skin as pale as #00645582 ACME Evil Villain Foundation Shade 3D "White As Winter Bones".
The hand moved, slowly,
Slowly,
Even more slowly than the previous slowness of the slow before.
Knobby knuckled fingers snatched the paperwork offered to him by a female's trembling hand.
The SWOOP of the snatch echoed off the dank, dimly lit walls of the dusty chamber.

"Yessssss," was hissed as Knobby Knuckles read the first page.
Each separate 's' tripped on his tongue its own separate snake sound.
On #00456584 ACME "How To Talk Like an Evil Villain Training Tapes One Through Seven", it was "Lesson #6 All 'S' Must Ssssslither like Ssssslippery Ssssnakes".
Once his beady eyes - fitted with #0054789561 ACME Eyes Spy Corrective Contact Lenses Style 12C "Evil Villain Terribly Tar Black" - finished digesting the first page of text,
Fingers slid into the pocket of his ratty, tattered tailcoat part of #00321546 ACME Evil Villain Attire 2009 Spring Line "Dressed for Dastardly Success",
And he pulled out a long feather pen.
The page was initialed.

Then with a crackle, that page was turned.
"Yesssssss!" was repeated with growing excitement.
"I see what you've done here in Section A, my delicate flower petal," said the dark and sinister man before her.
The second page was initialed and turned.
"I am pleasssssed with what was negotiated in Section B!" he added as his knobby-knuckled fingers slowly stroked the black goatee that curled down from his alabaster chin.
He initialed "S.B" on the bottom line just like before.
But it was when he turned to the final page and read Sections C - F that the most dastardly thing of all was released:
His CACKLE.
It was a perfect replica of #00456584 ACME "How To Talk Like an Evil Villain Training Tapes One Through Seven", Lesson #15 "Perfecting a Cackle that Makes Floorboards Curl".
"It's MINE!" he bellowed.

He threw his head back as his laughter grew,
Tipping backward so far that his #0084789504 ACME Evil Villain Midnight Black Stove Pipe Top Hat With Wickedly Wide Brim fell off his head.
This exposed his hair that was colored with #00339875 ACME Evil Villain Hair Care Line Product 43-I, "Something Wicked This Way Black" Permanent Hair Dye,
And styled with #00878752 ACME Evil Villain Hair Care Line Product 06-A, "Slippery as a Slope Hair Gel".
If one looked closely enough they could see the hint of not very dastardly blonde roots.
The bewildered female was not looking closely enough.
She was too perplexed by his words,
As the nefarious Knobby Knuckled man bellowed once more, "It's ALL MINE!"

She wasn't sure if she should speak.
But she had to, for her very livelihood was at stake.
She gulped slowly.
"Um, sir? Technically before you can call this, er, dwelling yours you have to sign and date the final page on the lines provided."

The cackling and bellowing suddenly ceased.
"Oh. Of course."
In the space provided he scrawled his signature, and then? Stalled.
The Realtor, ironically, saved the day: "It's the 20th, sir."
"The 20th! That's right, silly me."

Then.
He thrust the contract into her waiting hands, and he slid his pen back into his nefariously convenient coat pocket.
He would try it again a second time:
"It's ALL MINE!"
His cackle punctured the air with the thrill of a dastardly victory as he crept with slinking step to the front door of his evil hideaway.
As he threw it open, a crack of thunder commanded the night air with conveniently perfect timing.
Because the tall, dark and sinister man had pressed play on the small device wired into the buckle of his genuine leather black belt, #00225491 ACME "It's Always a Dark and Stormy Night Touch-and-Crash Thunder Generator".
"BEWARE!" he bellowed into the night air as he hit the thunder button a second time
"BEWA-A-A-A-ARE!"

As he cackled so hard air wheezed through the nostrils of his thin beaked nose his knobby knuckled fingers flipped the light switch.
The lightbulb hanging from the ceiling sparked and blew,
And all went dark.
A new cry pierced the night:
"CURSES!"

The Tel'Ranaemyn Inn had a new Neighbor deep within the nearby woods.
One Silas Byke, Professional Evil Villain and Dastardly Fiend.
For hire.